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People who cheat often claim that they really loved (or still love) the person they cheated on. But can that possibly be true? Love is complicated to begin with, and infidelity doesn't make it any easier to find the bottom line here. As a result, a lot of this will boil down to your personal beliefs. If you're trying to explore the relationship between love and infidelity, we're here to help you out. Just keep in mind that no matter what has happened to you, your feelings are valid, you are worthy of love, and you can come back from whatever dark place you may be in right now.

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    Some people cheat because they feel neglected, or forgotten. If someone is in a relationship where they feel like their partner doesn't care about them, they may end up looking for that emotional fulfillment somewhere else.[4] Even if their perception isn't accurate, they'll go wherever they need to go to feel cared for, loved, and appreciated.[5]

    • This isn't to say that the person being cheated on deserves it. Even if someone is neglectful, there are always better ways for the other person to address it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

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    There may be mental or emotional issue that make stability difficult. People who suffer from an addiction to sex, love, or some other vice may cheat because it scratches that addictive urge.[6] People with certain emotional or mental health issues may be more prone to cheating as well. For example, people with bipolar disorder appear to be more likely to act out sexually during periods of mania.[7]

    • Attachment anxiety refers to someone who develops increased levels of fear the closer they get to someone—often as a result of a traumatic childhood. People with high levels of attachment anxiety may be more likely cheat.[8]

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    A percentage of people cheat due to low self-esteem or stress. Cheating may have nothing to do with someone's significant other. Some people cheat because they don't feel they're worthy of a healthy, loving relationship, while others do it simply because they feel bad about themselves. Some cheaters do what they do simply because it makes them feel better and they don't have a more productive way to take the pain away.[9]

    • This isn't to say that this is a healthy way to deal with pain. Being stressed out, scared, or feeling bad about yourself is not a good reason to cheat on someone.

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    Yes, nothing is ever over unless you want it to be. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair can be difficult, but it's definitely possible.[14] Don't make any rash decisions for now. Think about what you want and create some space for the two of you to process how you feel.[15] If the two of you want to work this out, seek out couples counseling. This will dramatically increase the odds that the two of you can heal.[16]

    • This process is different for everyone. Some couples find it easy to come to an understanding, take ownership for past indiscretions, and start over stronger than ever. For other couples, it can take years for the healing process to take place.

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    Some people cannot love again if they've been cheated on. There's nothing wrong with you if you have been cheated on and you feel the love empty out of your heart. That's a totally normal, understandable reaction, and a lot of people experience this.[17] If you've been cheated on and you just can't find it in your heart to keep pursuing the relationship, it's okay to move on.[18]

    • This can be true for the person who cheated, as well. Some people lash out at their partner and cheat intentionally to "get back at them" because they're mad and they feel like they've been pushed to the brink. For these cheaters, it can be hard to let go of all that anger.[19]

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    Most cheaters feel extremely guilty about their behavior. Cheating is a serious violation of someone's trust. This kind of dramatic boundary-crossing usually carries all kinds of feelings of regret, guilt, shame, and despair. The vast majority of people deeply regret cheating, and it can conjure all kinds of guilty feelings if they never hold themselves responsible.[23]

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    A small percentage of cheaters don't experience guilt. Some people cheat because they're adrenaline junkies—they enjoy the thrill of tricking others and getting away with something. While it's likely a small subset of people who cheat, these people don't experience guilt (although they may act guilty if they're caught).[24]

    • If you're in a relationship where infidelity has occurred, don't assume they don't feel guilt. You can never know what's in someone's heart, and even if they claim to not feel guilty about it, they're likely just trying to excuse their own behavior.

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Add New Question

  • Question

    What does it mean when you cheat on someone you love?

    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

    Relationship Counselor

    Expert Answer

    You might have forgotten your "no," or the main reason you wouldn't cheat in the first place—maybe you didn't want to hurt your partner or you didn't want to explain the aftermath to your kids. If you cheated, there's a good chance you forgot about this reason.

  • Question

    Why did I cheat on the person I love?

    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

    Relationship Counselor

    Expert Answer

    Think about the circumstances that led up to the cheating. What provided the environment for you to forget about your commitment? Do you feel like you can't advocate for your needs? Do you feel like your wants and needs aren't being met? Are you still in party mode? A variety of different factors can lead to you cheating on the person you love.

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